HIV tests are more positive than that guy
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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