I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
