I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
