I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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