dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
