You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
