I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
