i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
