I puked a lego.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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