i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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