The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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