I think im going to throw up on grandma
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
When are your genitals available?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
