Moan for me like Helen Keller
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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