you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
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