Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
