You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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