i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
