You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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