if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
