my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
