I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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