Already got asked if we're dating
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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