so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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