Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
