my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
