You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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