well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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