god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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