We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize