Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
How does it feel to date your dad?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize