Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
