Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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