Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
