Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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