So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
