i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
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