I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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