I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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