how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize