I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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