rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
