my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
