I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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