I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I puked a lego.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
