I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Dear god my vagina.
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