mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
