How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
