Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
