I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
