I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
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