I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
