I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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