I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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