i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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