I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
