She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
