I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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