Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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