This gyro tastes like lonliness
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
