you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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