Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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