Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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