Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
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