Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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