I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
