So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
