the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
