My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
