Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
