When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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