It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
